Davins Comedy Blog

Pounding His Exhaust System Chest - By Pip Helix (Davin's Den)

I was lying in bed the other evening, and listening to the quiet of the neighborhood being assaulted by the distant roar of a motorcycle.  I couldn’t help but wonder how loud that must be to the people nearby wherever he was zooming past.  BLaaaaaAAAAUM, BLUM BLUM BLUM BLUM BLUM.  Oh, good for you, motorcycle guy.  You are the loudest thing in the neighborhood.  Proud of yourself?  All puffed up with pride are we?

For those of you thinking that I am being unreasonable, and that they can’t help but be that loud, I offer up the party conversation I had years ago with a biker who actually reconfigured a thingamaggiger on his exhaust to be LOUDER than necessary.  I gathered from the tone of the conversation that I was supposed to be admiring of his ingenuity in fixing his whosywhatsis to BLAM louder than the normal Blam. 

I should back up to explain that at this time, one of my good friends was living with a biker guy, and this party was in their home, loaded with leather jackets and some illicit substances being consumed in the closed-door kitchen.  I had spent a number of evenings in the company of some of these folks, and most of them were friendly and rather protective towards me, but this was a larger group, there were people I’d never met before - and there was whiff of danger in the air.  I mostly contented myself with talking to the womenfolk at this gathering, until one woman who fancied herself a Janis Joplin clone began doing a greatest hits concert a cappella in the garden.

I ended up in conversation with the aforementioned noise-enthusiast, and things were very nice, until he mentioned his bike and how he had made “improvements” to it.  Had I felt braver about speaking my mind at that moment, I may have told him what I really thought of his “improvements”.  However, since the party was being hosted by my friend, and this person was one of their friends, I didn’t feel like I was allowed to tell Mr. Leather with Frightening Insignia that his selfish, oafish, guerilla-chest-pounding, dick-swinging modifications were not impressive to me.

In the suburbs, people are not impressed by street noises so loud that it wakes babies that were just put down for a nap, or so extra-loud that they suck the last few words of conversation out of the air with their decibel levels.  Dogs that start barking are not yelling, “Wow, that is so cool, dude!”  Women’s panties don’t spontaneously drop to the floor as they writhe in a frenzy of lust.   Everyone, except for a few weekend warriors, is thinking in unison, “What an ASSHOLE.”  And in the city, there is so much street noise that it just adds to the cacophonous stew, and the chest thumping is ignored by all.

Hey motor cycle dudes -  and especially YOU, mister “my bike goes to eleven” – we are not impressed.  Muffle that shit already.
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LETS ROCK - By Joe Currie (Davin's Den)


As our fans know Davin, Pip and I are all big music fans, we have gone to concerts together and they have come to see my bands play too. Davin went to see Bonjovi this weekend and my band played this weekend as well.

I had the pleasure of sitting at a table with David Bryan the keyboard player in Bonjovi and his lovely wife at the comedy club several weeks ago. Dave is a great guy and as he is one my influences he was gracious enough to answer my questions about their songs and his keyboard rig.
As I was saying on the show, Dave and I are around the same age and both still jump behind our keyboard rigs and play with our bands. 

Here is the difference, he jumps on a private jet to play in front of eight thousand people in Brazil and I jump in my Honda Element and play in front of twenty five at Dingbatz in Jersey.

But the key thing is that playing in a band is an amazing experience and is radically different than stand up. In stand up it’s me alone and the focus is on me and I need to get a reaction every thirty seconds. In the band I am far from the focal point and only need to get a reaction every three to four minutes.

In stand up if the show starts at eight you arrive between seven-seven thirty and the latest you start may be eight fifteen.

In a band if your slot is at eight you show up at five thirty and then wait as the other band is sound checking, what about your sound check and setting up your gear?? Sorry doors are in five minutes and not enough time, you will have to put your stuff to the side and load your stuff onstage after the band before you is done during the show. We go on at eight right?? No man everything has been pushed back and you guys are going on at nine thirty now.

In stand up the only gear I have is my notorious little red bag for my notes, my recorder and my hack whistle. With the band two keyboards, a stand, an amp, a stand for the amp, my I pad, and my Big red bag. Plus the time to set up the gear.

If you play in a bar band you are the band for the night so you set up your stuff nice and easy before the gig and take it down nice and easy after the gig. When you’re in a rock club opening for a national act there are three opening bands and you are one of them. As soon as the band before you is done it is now survival of the fittest. You have to wait for the band that is done to break down their stuff so you can get your stuff up there and get set up and it never goes smoothly you are stepping over the other band and your own band mates and their stuff and you have move quick to get set up because if you take too long the club will cut your time and thus you have to cut songs from your set list. When you are done the process continues again.

Now, let’s talk about tickets sales; in comedy unless you are a headliner, the stress on selling tickets is really not on you. In both Comedy and Music the clubs do expect you to push the gig on social media and any other method you have, however in music you do a ticket deal. The headline act who was on MTV and where stars thirty years ago can’t fill a small club on a Friday night and that’s where you come in. the club will book you and tell you that you are required to move fifteen to twenty tickets from anywhere from fifteen to thirty dollars apiece and if you don’t sell them in many cases you have to pay for what you can’t sell.

You take a gamble and sometimes you lose big time. Six years ago the band I was in opened up for Ace Frehley from Kiss it was a big ticket outlay but I agreed as Ace was an idol of my two guitar players and the gig was on a Friday and we figured we can move tickets. The original club closed overnight and the show was moved thirty miles away to a Sunday night and we lost our shirts.

So why do I do this?? Because it’s one of the things that I love and always wanted to do, with all the aggravating things there have been some incredible moments and I have not regretted having the band and then comedy regulate my life since I was sixteen.

Check out my Face book page for upcoming shows and come on out and lets rock.           

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PASSOVER SCHOOL LUNCH - BY DAVIN ROSENBLATT


Passover is a wondrous time of year. No it isn’t. It is an important holiday for Jewish people but it is not wondrous. At least not when you are a kid in public school. Easter happens around the same time of year as Passover and the difference between the Jewish kids and the gentiles is never more stark than the lunches kids are eating in school.

Gentile kids have left over ham. They have chocolates and jelly beans. The kids who get their lunch in school are eating pizza or macaroni and cheese.  Maybe the kids are eating a nice big submarine sandwich piled high with all sorts of meats.  Not so for the Jewish kid. You know what I brought to school for lunch during Passover? Gefilte fish in twenty year old Tupperware and a plastic fork. Listen even if you like gefilte it is not a glamorous lunch. Gefilte on its best day is an appetizer until you get to eat something better. Try explaining what a gefilte is to a bunch of kids. “It’s a fish. Does it swim in the ocean? No. Does it swim in a lake? No. Okay it isn’t a real fish. It is mashed up pieces of a bunch of cheap fish. They make it into a loaf and then preserve it in this weird gel. Hey, where are you going? Come back!” Yeah gefilte is a hard sell. Say you don’t have gefilte. You are bringing Matzo. Matzo is not ideal for sandwiches. It is even less ideal for sandwiches that need to be packed. It is dry and has no bend in it. A little bit of pressure and you don’t have matzo…you have crumbs.  So if you want to have a matzo sandwich you are going to need to be able to build it on the spot.  While your friends are half way through their sandwich you are unwrapping the matzo in tinfoil, opening up the Tupperware of tuna fish, and then spreading the tuna on the matzo. You ignore all your friends who are staring at you wondering why you are putting tuna on the largest cracker they have ever seen.  Now you are ready to take a bite of your sandwich.  And you take that first bite and the rest of the tuna and matzo crumbles into your lap. Matzo can’t withstand much…including the pressure of a human bite.

Well you know what you didn’t want to eat anyway. You clean the tuna and matzo from your lap and get ready for dessert.  I mean everybody loves dessert. Your friends are eating left over Easter candy. They have chocolate rabbits, and jelly beans, and peeps.  What do you have? A dry macaroon. Listen macaroons are fine. They have all sorts of new flavors like Rocky Road and chocolate, chocolate chip. Perfect for noshing on after school.  However, let me perfectly clear, a macaroon no matter the flavor, is no contest when compared to a peep. Food coloring, marshmallow, and sugar beats coconut every day of the week.  And Passover desserts are always dry. If you actually managed to eat your whole matzo sandwich chances are you have no water left for dessert. That means your macaroons are the equivalent of sand.

So yeah Passover is cool because God took the Jews from Egypt to relieve their suffering. However, if he would have given us a few more minutes to leave the bread could have risen and Jewish kids would not have to eat odd lunches thousands of years later. I mean c’mon man you are God, you get to do things on your time and then we get to eat peeps!

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MY SCAMMER SHANNON - By Joe Currie (Davin's Den)

                                           
As one of our calling cards with our show is scamming you have your radar are on when one tries to contact us and this is the story of Shannon Thomas. 
Shannon added you on Messenger.
Shannon is waving at you!
is she !!!!!
Shannon:
Hello Joe
You accepted Shannon's request.
Of course I did because it is time to have some fun
Shannon:
How are you?
Shannon
Hello Joe
Pushy bitch isn’t she but a key tell tale sign of a scammer as they tend to be aggressive.
Joe:
Do I know you?
Shannon:
I just sow your profile as suggestions friends and I decided to say hell to you.
She wanted to say “hell” to me. Another key sign she is a scammer is they can’t spell and another are how many friends and we have no mutual friends on Face book.
Joe:
Is that your profile photo?

Shannon:
Yes
She has only three and I can guarantee they are not hers I wanted to quiz her on this to see if she may have a hint that I am on to her but she doesn’t take the bait as you will see

Shannon:
How are you doing today?

Joe
Good how are you, are you from NY?
Time to see where they are from, a lot of times they are from another country or have relocated here.
Shannon:
Am fine  Am from UK.
I currently live Houston Texas and you
Bingo, and she writes like the robot from lost in space with no inflection.
Joe:
I am from NY, I ask because a lot of people write me from Ghana for some reason
I’m giving her a chance to cut and run but she is staying.
Shannon:
Okay
The one point I thought she may be real as she seemed to be taken aback from my question. We continue.
Shannon:
What are you doing for a living?
Bad grammar and she is sizing me up to see if I may be a cash cow.

Joe:
I am a comic, and you ?
Letting her know I am poor with no prospects because that’s a comic and I want to see what her deal is.
Shannon:
Am a hair stylist.
Are you single? Do you have kids?
You’re also a bullshit artist. She is asking to see if am married and have kids to see what my status is as alone and no kids means vulnerable.
Joe
Separated no kids and you ?
Shannon
Am single no kids
Maybe I will scam her-LOL
Joe
How long were you married?
Shannon
Am not married
Several days later she writes back
Shannon:
How are you?
Joe
Good, how is everything at the hair Salon?
Wanted to see if I could trip her up on the job thing


Shannon:
Fine, What do you have for me today?
What do I have for you today??? Fuck you who are you Davin waiting for a show project!!!
Joe:
And what would you be looking for???
Shannon:
Looking to find the right person to create a family together. Someone who puts relationship above everything else. Keep in mind that relationship is a FULL TIME JOB
And her she is trying to reel me in with the relationship angle as she knows I am alone and why is full time job in caps?? Does she know my estranged wife, and I ask her.
Joe:
Coming out of a divorce I feel the same. I see you put full time job in caps, were you in a bad relationship?

Shannon:
Yes I exboyfriend cheated on me
Probably wanted somebody with good grammar.
Joe:
That’s a shame, how long were you dating for?
Shannon:
3years, what about you

Joe:
24 years

Shannon:
Wow that’s a very long time
Yeah no shit lady
Joe
Tried to keep it going for all those years and then there was one day in 2011 when I realized it was over very sad
Throwing a little truth into the mix
Shannon:
You just have to move on with your life, and start all over again with a good woman
Stupid is now putting out the bait again

Joe:
Yes just getting over the heart break and will be searching

Shannon:
Same here, We have same things in common

Joe:
Well hopefully I will find someone
Shannon:
Same here.
So, do not apply if you are not ready as you may hurt you or someone else in the process. Keep it real and simple. Commitment in the relationship is a must for me. I am long term relationship oriented. But the chemistry needs to be there of course.
Do not apply??? You wrote me stupid, another heavy handed tell tale sign of a scammer.
As you can see we both have our lines in the water now.

Shannon
What are seeking for in a relationship?
Joe:
Chemistry and someone to be a best friend too.

Shannon:
I'm Looking For Sincere, creative, guy with a sense of humor. Fortunate to have good health, work I believe in, and loved ones I value. Active, friendly, flexible though my pictures might give you an impression of profound square-ness.
Really, square-ness?? her profile picture would give Kaitlin Jenner a rod.

Shannon:
What do you do for fun

Joe:
I am a very big into anthropology

Shannon:
Okay,
I love watching football,table tennis and I love reading,cooking and do house work I hang out with my friends and love going out for Shopping.
I like anthropology; you wouldn’t ask me some questions. Curious to see what her football team is
Joe:
What is you favorite football team?
Shannon:
Arsenal in English premier league.
Once again a transplant and suspicious
Joe:
I like American football, Jets fan
I want to show her I am pathetic
Shannon:
Hello joe
Let’s have some fun now
Joe:
How are you today, I have the flu, slept for twelve hours yesterday, feels lonely in bed sick and nobody around. but it is what it is

Shannon:
Oh sorry Wish am there to help you out
Do you?? Wish am,, stupid scammer lets really turn on the jets we go to a couple of days later
Shannon:
How are you?
Joe
Hi, I am writing from the hospital, I was an sick that I had an episode with my breathing due to the flu that I called an ambulance and I have been in the hospital since two for observation, they are keeping me overnight and they think I may have an upper respiratory infection or maybe pneumonia. Feeling very week now, I have to go

Shannon:
Okay joe, Don’t worry, you will be okay soon.
That’s it? She has the compassion of an SS officer—or a scammer

Shannon:
Hello joe
Hope you are getting better

Joe:
A little, I was on a ventilator most of the night. How are you today? How is work?

Shannon:
Fine,
Are you still in the hospital?
No asshole I’m in the supermarket
Joe:
Yes, I may be hear for a while and am still on the ventilator,Joe
I mean be here, the medication has me all woozy

Shannon:
Okay, I pray you get better soon.
Well your prayers aint working

Shannon:
Hello joe

Shannon
Hello joe


Joe:
Hello, the past several days were not good. I was in a coma as my breathing was so bad. They also told me that I was dead for about a minute. And I believe it as a felt my body leave and I saw my Mom and Jesus. When I leave the hospital I am going to serve God. Are you religious?
Shannon
Yes.... I’m religious
After all of that, that’s her answer.

Joe
Good morning, feeling a little better today and I know it was because the hand of the lord touched me. what religious faith are you?

Shannon:
Baptist Church,When are you going to leave the hospital

Joe:
Another three days, please pray for me

Shannon
I always pray for you cus you are good care friend,.
Don’t worry.... you will be fine.
I pray you will learn to spell someday “cus” also friend you have known me for two weeks.

Shannon:
How are you doing now

Shannon:
Hello joe How is your health

.
Now I’m laying it on thick
Joe:
Not good, I lapsed back into a coma and I crossed to other side for a minute and I felt peace and no pain and then a powerful but friendly voice told me I had to go back. I am tired and may have scar tissue in my lungs, sorry I need to go back to sleep
Shannon:
Okay dear... I will talk to you later
And you will be stupid

Shannon:
Hello
I’m playing hard to get

Shannon
Hello joe, How is your health

Joe:
Not good, still in the hospital and it has been touch and go, even worse while I was in the second coma I had a blood clot and got gangrene in one of my legs and they had to amputate it I WOKE UP WITH ONE LEG. I am devastated. The only thing that is getting me through this is my loss every of the lord and trusting him that taking the leg was a good thing. I am still upset as I used to love to dance and those days will be no more. May get out Tuesday. I’m sorry the pain killer is taking effect and I have to go

Shannon:
Okay joe,
I pray you recover soon
After all that that’s all she has to say. She has not written me back since and who knows if she will but she displayed all the signs of a scammer and I had fun driving her nuts. But if you have a friend or a relative that gets messages like this please, tell them to stop corresponding immediately as the results will not be funny but devastating or deadl
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Puppies and Children - By Pip Helix (Davin's Den)

America has lost its collective minds.  I shake my head every day at the news, and the things that pass for logic these days.
Latest edition of head-poundingly frustrating thinking/not-thinking:  A puppy was placed in an overhead compartment on a plane and died as a result.  This is a senseless and obviously very sad event. Did the owner not speak up to the airline personnel when ordered to put her bag overhead instead of under the seat in front of her?  Did the airline person realize there was an animal in the bag? Are people so afraid of being thrown off of planes for voicing even the most minor/reasonable objections to orders? Do people not realize that the overhead compartments are airtight?  Is this just a gruesome mistake? So many questions, and the result of all of it is a dead pet.
We Americans love our pets to distraction.  Anyone who listens to the show knows that I have more than my share of cats, and I love them all dearly.  Mr. Helix and I dote on our pets as if they were our children, and we are certainly not alone in that. Check out the multi-millions of dollars we pay for pet supplies, toys, luxuries and basic care, and there is no doubt that we are a country of pet lovers.  
A dead puppy is a terrible, heart-string pulling moment, and everyone can relate. The grief of losing a pet is overwhelming.  Almost like losing a child –but certainly not the same as losing a child. Certainly not the same as losing 7,000 children.
If you haven’t been under a rock, you have seen the gut-punch photo of the 7,000 pairs of shoes, representing all of the children lost to gun violence in our country since the Sandy Hook slaughter.  It is a false equivalency to say that we care more about the one dead puppy than the 7,000 children, I get that. But Congress just fell over each other running to the floor to vote on legislation to make sure that we don’t put any puppies in an overhead compartment, as if this was a danger that was sweeping the nation.
The danger that has been sweeping our nation is gun violence.  7,000 fucking dead children. And yet, we are still arguing over whether the proliferation of guns is a problem that needs to be settled.

Grieve for the poor little dead puppy, absolutely.  But get over yourselves and your love of your goddamn guns, and make this country a safer place for our kids, for us all.
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NOT IN THE EYE - by Davin Rosenblatt

One of the bits on the show is Name that Orgasm.  One of us needs to research a whole mess of orgasms and the rest of the show has to guess their ethnicity based on the orgasm.  It is a lot of fun and a bit ridiculous.  We were supposed to have Ron Jeremy on the show yesterday so we added the special Ron Jeremy category where Ron would have to guess who he was plowing based on the sounds of the orgasm.

To do these bits involves quite a bit of “research.”  Pip decided she would do the different ethnicities for us to guess which meant I was correlating the Ron Jeremy sex scenes.  It sounds like it should be easy but it is not.  You have to make sure you get clear moans. You don’t want too much verbiage because the accent will give away the ethnicity. You don’t want music because that distracts from the orgasm.  In the case of the games with Ron it has to be very loud so he can hear it over the phone. You need to make sure if you pick a scene with multiple people that the ethnicities are the same or the other person keeps quiet. So a lot goes into getting the perfect clip.

You are not viewing these clips for release. You are viewing them for radio which means you may be watching scenes that do not turn you on or worse yet makes you feel sad or ill.  There is a lot of variety in the world of porn and everybody has their preference.  It is when you are watching things that you don’t like that you start questioning what the hell you are doing.  I think Pip and I experienced that this weekend.

When I pick orgasms for ethnicities I usually pick solo scenes. That way I don’t need to worry about conflicting voices and I really don’t enjoy watching man parts in my porn.  Pip has a different approach. Her approach lead her to watching scenes that I think may have scarred her.  Apparently she was watching women receive copious amounts of DNA on their face.  This bothered Pip. She found it demeaning yet being the trooper she is she kept on watching. She found it degrading. I reassured her that everybody in the scenes were there by choice.  Still I don’t think that is an option on the Helix fun menu. If it was ever an option I think seeing that much of it turned her against it. She remarked how it got in their eyes. I reminded her that she has glasses it would just be like snow on a windshield. She was unmoved by my reasoning.  She commented how one woman was hanging upside down while taking this man’s gift and it ran all over the place.  She was also disappointed with his lack of concern for hygiene. Apparently he was putting his member in a variety of openings and not properly cleaning before insertion in a new opening. Pip found this inconsiderate. I argue that a wet nap kills the mood.  She also remarked how one woman would not make a sound at all while having all sorts of things done with her. Pip was bothered by this.  She was concerned maybe this woman was a victim of human trafficking.  I tried to make her feel better that a woman who does not make a sound and seems to be merely tolerating what is being done to her is not likely a victim but instead a wife.  Pip was left shaken by all of this.  I think Mr. Helix will be reduced to cuddling and talking with Pip in the near future.

I had the task of watching Ron Jeremy videos. I have never watched any of his videos. I know him from his more main stream appearances and his reputation.  Ron also directs porn. I felt like in some of the scenes he was directing while shtooping.  He had a lot of instructions.  I will say he is quite large. Both his belly and his member.  He gives old Jews everywhere hope that they too can bang 20 year old hotties.  Now as I said, I generally don’t watch men in porn.  Now I was forced too.  I have seen more of Ron Jeremy’s ass than any straight man should see of another man’s ass.  I guess the exception is the camera man.  There is also the classic under the ball shot.  I guess this view is if you ever wanted to know what a dinkleberry was seeing.  It was interesting to see the various hair styles female porn stars had over the years. Both on their head and down below. Tastes and styles change but Ron Jeremy’s huge hog is constant.  I did discover a clip of Ron Jeremy pleasuring himself orally. So that is a thing.  I don’t know if he does it to completion or what the end result is. It was a short clip featuring a long member and a surprisingly flexible Ron.

I like porn. It has a purpose. People enjoy it. However, I can definitely see how forcing somebody to watch porn they don’t like could be used as torture. Watching porn you find disturbing can leave you with an empty feeling.  Pip now has a far- away stare in her eyes. However, I now know that will be the only thing in Pip’s eyes.
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Planning the Planning - By Pip Helix (Davin's Den)


Mr. Helix and I are trying to plan a vacation to England for early this summer. There is so much involved in trying to get this done, I feel like major troop movements are involved.
First, there is the simple problem of trying to figure out how much sausage you can shove into a 5 pound casing.  Since we want to experience a vast number of things in a short time period, there is the tendency to try to stuff the proverbial ten pounds of sausage into the itinerary, to really mix metaphors here.

Long-time listeners to the show will understand that Steve Winwood was the catalyst for this trip in the first place.  When I first heard that he would be on the bill with Eric Clapton and Santana in Hyde Park, London this July, I casually mentioned it to Mr. Helix.  To my surprise, he was excited by the idea of the concert and really wanted to go!  I had not even thought of going, I was just mentioning that they would be playing together, but he was enthusiastic about seeing them play in the same place as the famed first concert for Blind Faith.  That same night, long after he’d gone to bed, I found tickets online for the show, and taking a big gulp of air, plopped down an unreasonable amount of money, sealing our fate.  Now we’ve done it.  We actually have to do this.

Having one event to center the trip around was apparently not enough for us, and Mr. Helix found that Mott the Hoople (or the remaining members thereof) would be playing a festival around the same time, and now we have two shows anchoring our trip, and the laundry list mentioned before of the possible sites.  Being a pair of eccentrics, we have some odd things we’d like to see, as well as some touristy things that we’d missed on our trips there previously, so now it is a matter of narrowing down the list and coming up with a reasonable path.

Passports don’t seem to be too much of an issue, as mine is still good and we have time to renew his, but there are so many other technical aspects to cover, my mind is boggling.  We’ve discussed renting a car for a portion of the trip.  In order to get an idea of what that is like, I did a little research.  Most of England drives manual shift cars – did you know that?  So, while it is possible to rent (“hire” is what they call it) an automatic, we will probably be renting a manual.  Luckily, I’ve only ever owned manual cars, and so to this day, so I am well versed in the “standard H”.  What I didn’t realize is that the entire wheel and petal setup is exactly the same here as it is there, which is a huge relief.  It will be weird enough to learn to shift lefty, but I don’t think I could get the handle of the clutch on the right.  Buoyed by this knowledge, I watched several videos on youtube, including a tutorial on driving signage (not always easy to make out, I’ve found), and managed to pass a test on what the signs mean.  I also watched several videos on driving on the left, and how to negotiate their traffic circles.  We have them here, but there they go clockwise, and each lane has a specific function.  It was really eye-opening.

I think I can manage driving there, but there will be other times that we will need to take trains, and then taxis or hoof it with our luggage.  I just bought some rolling luggage that will make this so much more easy, but I have to remember that I will be dragging my C-Pap machine around as well, so there will have to be careful planning.  Not to mention getting a battery backup for the machine, getting adapters for plugs and voltage, and figuring out how to use it on the airplane.  Then there is figuring out how much cash to bring, whether it makes sense to exchange currency here or there, what insurances we might need, what paperwork we need to have with us, how our phones will work over there, I guess I need to buy a surge protector strip for all of our chargers and things, and whether there are any places we want to visit that need prior tickets to be purchased.  And we haven’t even started on booking the airline tickets.


I am exhausted from planning the planning of the trip.  This will be a great experience, but one for which I need to beginning training.  Off now to watch some more videos of driving on the left side of the road.
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THE RACE TO THE END PART 6 THE CONCLUSION - By Joe Currie (Davin's Den)

                    
As I stated from the beginning from the time my old house went up for sale until the closing of my new house, everything was a hurdle. The good news is that I got over all of them. I am now at the last one which is moving into my new home.

Moving into my new place was a very exciting moment for me. I was a homeowner for twenty four years prior but the difference is that it was the house I inherited from my Mom. I was grateful to have it and I did renovate it back then to my taste, but it was a home that I grew up in, I did not select it, and the home style was not one that was my taste.

My new home is in the post modern style I love, and is in the development I have wanted to move into for over twenty years.
I had my shipping pod delivered the day after I closed and with Joe’s girl’s help( and I mean help the pod door was jammed and would not budge) we got the first thing out which I made sure was the last thing in and that was the comfy bed that I had slept in back at the old house. What gave me comfort and a good night’s rest in the old house will do the same in the new one. I put the comfy bed in the guest room and not the master bed room as it was a single and I was getting a new bedroom set, plus the master bed room was PAINTED FUCKING PINK. I am not a Kardashian or a gay hairdresser named Chad. So I am not sleeping in there until it got manned up which it did with a really cool looking bedroom set and a manly paint scheme all courtesy of Joe’s Girl.

I had the comfy bed set up, but that was all the furniture I had set up.
The third night I bought my kitchen furniture at IKEA, IKEA is an interesting store but there is no escape, you continue through it trying to find the exit while you stop every ten feet and go “oh I could use this” . I bring my kitchen furniture home and I was going to assemble it then eat dinner on it not realizing it has more parts than the space shuttle. After three hours and half a chair leg I said the hell with it.
I wound up eating my dinner on my kitchen counter using the stool that I play keyboards on as a chair which was grossly shorter than the counter. The next morning I made sure I built the kitchen set before lunch.  

The next part was the unloading of the storage pod. It is amazing when you load it, you put things in saying “I can’t leave this behind” and then you take them out saying “what the fuck was I thinking”.
I did a great packing job, but unpacking got kind of scary, I had something that I had stacked and the only way it would come down is me backing away from it as fast as I can and letting it fall before it kills me . As I am ready to let it go, Joe’s girl asks if there is anything she could do? I said yes please invite anyone who ever told me to go fuck myself to come over and watch because their dreams have come true.
It came down with a thud but okay

It’s going to be tough to goof on my neighbors living here because they are very nice, the person next door made me dinner and they all welcomed me and they are perfect, nice and keep to themselves.

It’s over, the race to the end has concluded and thanks to the help and support of my friends especially Antony Cumia and especialy Joe’s girl who I never would gotten through any of this without her, also the love and support and the inspiration of people who went through the same thing and made their lives better thank you again. I also have a renewed faith in religion as I really do feel it played a big factor in everything I went through and the signs I saw from it as well.
   
When my wife and I got separated and put the house up for sale people asked me how do I feel about what’s going on, and my answer to them is I will find out when I finally settle in to my new place where and whenever that will be.  

That where and whenever was a beautiful August night a month and a half after I settled in to my new place, I was alone and I just put some burgers on the grill, grabbed a beer, sat on the couch and then it happened. It all hit me, where am I?? Where was Joanne?? I called out her name, why is she not answering me??? What just happened here?
When I composed myself the conclusion is that I was in a nineteen year marriage that I tried to make work but was dysfunctional. I was in house I could not afford with someone who took it for granted. I discovered all of this and felt trapped and that to take the steps to change things would be monumental if not impossible.I took those steps made it work against some big odds, but with the help of an incredible girl friend, friends, and the man upstairs made it work.


The race is over, but my new life has just begun.     
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NEVER SAY THIS TO YOUR MAN - By Davin Rosenblatt


I was doing a comedy show on Valentine’s Day. Obviously it is a big night for couples to come to a comedy show. Laughter brings people together. What could possibly go wrong?

There was a couple during the show to my right. He was an African American man. I think she may have been African American but I don’t know.  She was loving me. At one point she liked a joke so much she got up from her seat and ran around the table. I don’t think a joke can land any better than that.  He was one of those quietly enjoying it types. He is not going to give you the big laughs but he’ll give you a half smile and nod. One of those too cool to laugh types. Not a comedian’s favorite audience member as we need to keep checking in on them to read them. I was messing with him and he was taking it in stride. Nothing too harsh at all. They were sitting with her brother and his wife.

I finished up my set and the other comedian Patty took the stage.  I was sitting in the back of the room. Patty was talking to this couple. I don’t know what Patty said but the woman yelled out loudly to her man so everybody could hear it, “I am going to sleep with all of your friends!” Good gawd no! Don’t say that. You have just embarrassed your man in front of everybody, put doubt in his head about your relationship, and may have opened up wounds. How is that funny? How does that end well? He was pissed and he told her to go to the back of the room where she actually did spend the rest of the show. Still loving every minute of the night. I did not see his reaction. Patty was taken aback and said she is going to the other side of the stage now. That is an awkward place for a comedian. The last thing we want is a domestic fight in the middle of our show…on Valentine’s Day. Patty carried on and had a great show. 


We were discussing it at the end of the show and she said she was stunned and couldn’t say anything. I said the only possible thing to say would be if you wanted to take up for the man (the injured party in this dispute) and say that’s ok, he’s been sleeping with your friends for years. Patty liked that. Who knows how that would have played out?  After the show the lady came up to me and gave me a big hug and said we made her Valentine’s Day. Her man left a bit later and said he had fun. They did not leave the restaurant together.  At the end of the night Patty and I put on a great show and the audience loved it. However, where does that relationship go? How is that car ride home? How does that guy let that go? So ladies sure be a spitfire if that is your nature. Don’t take shit. But for the love of god don’t tell your man that you are going to sleep with all of his friends in a room full of people. 
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Climbing Upward - By Pip Helix (Davin's Den)


My friend went to the School of Visual Arts in New York City, and let me tell you, those artists knew how to party.  You purchased a ticket to the event, and they would rent out an entire nightclub for the evening, and hand out 3 drink tickets per attendee.  This particular night, it was under-attended, and they came around and gave us each 3 more tickets.  Then, my friend Simone who didn’t drink gave us some of her tickets, and I bought a round or two. At this point in my life, I was still wearing size A pantyhose. If you are good at math, you can see that a much tinier me was well on the way to having a great night…or a terrible morning.

I have to backtrack a bit and mention that this was a costume event, and I was dressed as a fairly, complete with recycled prom dress, wings and a wand.  If you’ve never seen a really, really drunk fairy,  white tights stained with all matter of floor debris yuck, you haven’t lived.

On this particular evening, in one of those coincidences that always seems to happen to me when I am at my worst in public, I spied with my drunken eye a guy that I used to work with, who had an unrequited crush on me.  I was pulling my drunken ass up a flight of stairs, using the rungs of the banister to help me get up Kilimanjaro, the Staircase, when I spotted Kevin staring at me from the ground below. I had a groggy moment of recognition, and remembered who he was, even though I forgot the most important part of why I knew him.  Well, the most important part to him, anyway.  I remembered his name, where we met, and the name of his boss, who was a real character.  What I forgot was that he obviously had a crush on me, and was none too thrilled that I chose to date his co-worker instead of him as soon as I left that job. 

“Hey, Kevin?  Is that yooooo, Kebin?” 

“Yes.”  Curt, and said with mean eyes.

“How ya doin’?  Say ‘Hi’ to Art (his boss) for me, will ya? How ya doin’?”  Still climbing up the stairs, rung by rung.  I am totally nailing this, I think to myself.

“Don’t you mean I should say hi to DAN?”  The guy I dated instead of him.

Whoops, I think.  I have made an error somehow, but I’m not sure in my drunken state what faux pas I have committed.  So I pause to think of the appropriate response.

“Sure, what the hell!  Say hi to him too!”  Just a few more steps to wherever I thought I was going.
His response. “…”   Mean face.

Aw well, I think.  Fuck him.  Oh yeah, I didn’t .  I guess that’s the problem. 


Continued climbing, thinking that I probably made a good call.

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