Davins Comedy Blog

THE RACE TO THE END PART 3 “THE BANK” - By Joe Currie (Davin's Den)



As I was saying in part 2 the whole process in my life change is what I called hurdles. At this point of the game I crossed some major ones, I found a buyer for my house, we went into contract, and two weeks later I found my new house and went into contract. The next hurdle was the bank.

I was preapproved a year prior and for a home that would have been more expensive but when you get into the process of actually making the purchase it is nerve wracking to say the least.
It is amazing what little bit of nonsense can throw a major monkey wrench into things. I always keep a tight rein on my bills to the penny and when I was pre approved even more so. But even being so thorough something stupid happened. I have two bank accounts and I always have paid my Mortgage on time and never late for over twenty years.  I always pay with check from my Chase account which has over draft, when I went to make my February payment I ran out of checks from Chase, I did not want to be late with my payment so I used my checks from TD bank which does not have overdraft. I made the payment and made sure there was enough to cover the check, or did I. Several days went by and the payment should have cleared so during that period I bought coffee and a paper at 7-11 and used my debit card and due to this extravagant purchase it brought my account two dollars and fifty cents less than the check, later in the day the bank processes the check AND THE FUCKING THING BOUNCES for two dollars and fifty cents. If it was Chase it would have not been an issue but it was TD which to me stands for “T”hanks “D”ickheads. 

I did discover the mistake a week later, and remade the payment and figured all was good, or was it?????  

I just want to start off that my Mortgage broker was a really good guy and was amazing from the day I sat with him from preapproval all the way to sitting with me at the closing on the new place a year later.
When we sat down to write the mortgage he noticed the noted the incident above and because of it I am now a risk,,, I never made a late payment, I have done two refi’s  with the bank and now I am a risk. He said it the bank already had reported it to TRW. (Please note I wrote the bank the explanation above without the profanity and they removed it).
With this new fly in the ointment I had to get everything revised and get a HUD loan and at a higher interest rate. It stinks but I am in the game so let them begin.
The process you go through to get final approved is underwriting, I don’t know why they don’t call it jumping through hoops because I felt like a Rat Terrier in a dog act with all the hoops. I am surprised they didn’t ask for my earnings from my paper route when I was thirteen.


One of the requirements was from HUD, I had to take a new home owner ship test consisting of eight modules which is a lesson with a test at the end which all of it you do online. A NEW HOMEOWNERS TEST, ARE YOU SHITTING ME!!!! I have owned a home for twenty four years. You go to work, slave and toil and run into the bank with a check by the fifteenth, I don’t need to take a test and I told the bank that I am not. The bank told me no test no loan. I said when does school start.

I log on to their site and after forking over twenty five bucks and I am on to the first module. Now several things, these modules are an hour long, I have eight to do, are exciting as watching worms fuck, they have to be completed in two weeks, and due to my schedule they can only be done on a weekend.

In addition I am the middle of moving so after a fun filled Sunday of loading my moving pod with my stuff I sit down completely exhausted at ten pm to do this. To be fair some of it was informative but most of it was bullshit and if you did not get the questions correct you had to take it all over again and not one mention about making sure your check has overdraft. Well after two weekends, twelve cups of coffee and cheating on the test with my I pad to get answers while I was on my laptop with the test I passed all the modules.

The modules were just the tip of the iceberg, there were bank statements, W-2’s, home inspection reports, separation decree settlements, bank statements yeah I said it twice, pay stubs, pay stubs, yeah I said  that  twice too, how much could my paycheck of changed after two weeks.

I was a nervous wreck as if anything was not approved I am screwed because I am out of a large deposit and a place to live.

The day arrived and I WAS APPROVED!!! I got my loan and I got my house, now to set a closing date, and that’s another story so stay tuned.           
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