Davins Comedy Blog

WORKING OUT - by Davin Rosenblatt



I don’t like it one bit.  I don’t like feeling the burn.  I don’t like lifting heavy objects. Nope don’t like any of it.

However, I do know that if I don’t work out and just give into my worst impulses I could be the guy where they have to cut off the front of his house so he can leave his furnished tomb. That ain’t happening either.  I was fat for many years and then in high school I dieted. I drank water and ate salad and the weight melted off. All the sudden I had a girlfriend.  Through the years my weight has fluctuated.  In college I may have been in the best shape of my life as I lifted weights every day and still had a decent metabolism.  I didn’t mind lifting weights in college because I went with friends and I wanted to get laid so having a nice body seemed like a good way to help accomplish that.  I continued to work out pretty rigorously at various gyms by myself but then I moved away from where they were and I did not immediately find a new gym.

Since college I found my wife so to be fair being at optimal fighting weight lessened in a priority. Still I have tried to keep some weight off.  I have done South Beach & Nutri System. Both times the weight came off. Both times it came back but a bit more. I am a member of a gym. I used to go by myself and work out but I found it boring and the gym a bit too far. Really those are excuses and I am aware.  I have ridden my bicycle which I enjoy but where we live it is very mountainous and there are not a lot of safe places to ride without getting hit by a car.  When the weather is nice I walk the hills in my complex for about 40 minutes. I do not mind it because I listen to music. Still it does not burn the calories necessary to lose weight. Though when I stop the weight rapidly climbs.  I am still a member of a gym. I don’t think I have been there in three years. I pay $20 a month for the privilege of telling people I belong to a gym. It is ridiculous. I am aware. 

I am not playing softball and volley ball like I once did. I enjoy playing sports and being active when there is a goal other than losing weight. The goal of winning distracts me from the task of shedding pounds.  You would think I would be winning by shedding the pounds but my brain can’t seem to wrap itself around that concept. 

Still I eventually get to a point every several years where I go enough is enough. It is time to be a little more proactive and lose some weight. There is only so much tightening of the pants one can stand and going up in waist size is not on the table.

I think my wife gets the same way as eventually she wants to start a program. This time her motivation is a weekend coming up with her best friend who is in great shape I am told. I get it. We want people to see us at our best even though they should love us at our worst. 

With that in mind we started this program called 21 Day Fix by Beach Body hosted by a celebrity fitness instructor named Autumn Calabrese. She is in great shape obviously.  Most of the people training with her are in great shape. They have one person who is not in shape doing the program as well.  I think that is to say hey even you fat ass can do it if she can.  I get it. Not a bad tactic.

Obviously Autumn is a peppy lass. The program has you constantly moving for 30 minutes straight. It is a combination of cardio and weight training.  I am glad when the 30 minutes is over but I am also glad that I did them however I do not look forward to doing them again. I will do them again of course.  At the end of the work out Autumn starts pushing the shakes that are part of the work out program. They cost $100 a month. That is expensive. Then again a shake at McDonalds every day of the month would probably cost me about the same.  Autumn says she may put some banana in her shake for fun.  No Autumn bananas are not fun.  If was ripped like the people in the video fun would not be a banana. Fun would be private jets, champagne, cocaine, and hookers. That would be fun. That would be my reward for working hard to look great. If my idea of fun is a banana then I may as well be a 500 pound shut in. Ooooo I’m not leaving my house I should have some extra potassium. Produce is not motivating my ass Autumn. At the end of the thirty minutes I don’t want a banana. I want the girls from a Motley Crue video to strip dance their way onto that yoga mat Autumn. I want a promise that if I just push a little more. If I can just get that 6 pack that those girls are coming over to my house and will use me as a human jungle gym. That’s fun Autumn! That type of motivation will get me to bench press a Buick Autumn!

Let’s be honest, most of us are trying to look better so other people find us more attractive. That is the motivation.  If it was hottt to sit around and look like a tub of goo most of us would do that. We would shove gallons of ice cream down our gullet in the quest to become so gelatinous and sexy that the opposite sex would melt at our sight as we melted into the lazy boy lounger.  So a banana is not fun. Working out is not fun.  Eating right is not fun. Watching the opposite sex drool when you bend over to pick up a pencil is freaken amazing. Now excuse me while I have some kale and do some jumping jacks.  I look forward to your drool.
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