Davins Comedy Blog

Vacation Anxiety - Pip Helix (Davin's Den)


I don’t get excited about vacations until I am on the way, bags packed, tickets in hand. There is so much to do before I get to that point, I am an anxious mess until we get to the starting line. We don’t even have kids to worry about, but getting ready for a trip, particularly out of the country, is enough to make me drink.

There are the normal considerations – valid passports, airplane tickets, hotels, transportation.  These things are pretty easy now, since with the internet, there are companies falling all over each other to get you the best price.  And with the new options of places to stay, like Air BnB type rentals, it’s not like you are about to get into a situation with no rooms available.  In a pinch, someone’s aunt is renting out a spare bedroom somewhere.

It’s all the things that are peculiar to me and Mr. Helix that are issues.  For example, I have sleep apnea, which requires the use of a c-pap machine.  For those not in the know, it’s a machine that forces air into your nose, to keep your air passage from collapsing multiple times during the night.  Without this machine, I snore like a bear, and I kick my legs as I struggle for air while I sleep – a real treat for Mr. Helix.  Also, without it, I wake up feeling worse than I went to sleep, and tend to fall asleep at inappropriate times, sitting up at my desk at work, or the moment people stop speaking directly to me.  One time, pre-diagnosis and stone-cold sober, I fell asleep at Maxwell’s in Hoboken, NJ (a little black box of a music venue) while Blue Cheer was testing out their possible decibel levels.  THIS is a problem.
Lugging “Pappy” around with me is something that at least the airlines recognize these days, and they let you bring medical devices along with your carry-on.  However, I have a little roller carry-one to keep Pappy in, and to all the other flyers giving me side-eye, it looks like I am slipping in an extra carry-on.  Also, c-paps seem to look very suspicious to airport screeners, and I have had to unpack and sometimes disassemble parts of it for the screeners to be satisfied that I am not carrying a bomb.

Also, I have the mistaken idea that problems that have been piling up anyway have to be dealt with before we leave.  Why I think takeoff is the deadline for everything that needs doing is beyond me, but there it is.  I get it into my head that I have to do all of the laundry, weed the garden, do paperwork that is already overdue, get in a tooth cleaning, etc., etc. Forget the fact that I have actual issues to deal with, like my brother being threatened by his insurance company every other day that he will be sent home from rehab before he is totally healed.  I don’t even know what I can do if that happens while we are away.  Also, the laptop responsible for planning our trip had a monitor freak-out, and only works when it is in the perfect position and then NEVER MOVED AGAIN.  I sent it out to be repaired, and was told that this model is too “vintage” to repair.  I bought it 5 years ago.  God, that makes me feel old.

There are so many things to juggle, and so little time before we leave, things are going to remain undone, some things will have to happen on the fly, and I hope that I don’t have a nervous breakdown before we even get to the airport.  But, should I get there, I hope to relax and have fun.  I’m just not there yet.

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