Catlady/Homeowner Blues – Pip Helix (Davin’s Den)

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Every project I start in my house is like opening a can of worms.  It’s not quite as bad as on the remodeling shows on tv, where every time they open up a wall they find weird and dangerous electrical work, or that everything was covered in asbestos or black mold.  However, each time I try to get something done, another problem presents itself.  Exhibit A, the hallway.

 
First, there was the deliberating on the color the hallway should be.  This took months of thought.  By the time I chose a color, it is definitely out of fashion, but nevertheless, once we land on a color, by God, that is what color that wall will be, even if we don’t like it any more.
Next, you have to patch the small cracks and nail holes in the wall.  That would be easy, if the spackle wasn’t all dried up.  Well, you can’t paint without fixing the wall first, so off to the hardware store. 
Spackle done and dry.  Now it’s time to smooth it out by sanding with the sandin… DAMN.  Back to the hardware store.
The wall is smooth as a baby’s butt now, so it’s okay to prime the walls.  First, we have to lay down the plastic drop cloth, and then walk away for a moment to get a drink.
Did you know that cats love plastic drop cloth? It’s lots of fun to run on, run under, roll around in, and pull away from the walls.  Did you know that cats also love to sneakily PEE on plastic drop cloth?  I know this as a fact now.  
After getting dry paper towels to mop up pee, then wet paper towels with dish detergent to wipe up the pee remnants, and dry ones again, we are ready to replace drop cloth where it belongs and paint.  We don’t have one of those ladders with a little paint shelf on it, so painting is a lot of up and down the ladder, trying to draw a straight line along the edge of the ceiling and wall.  Then, it’s attempting to paint the walls without painting any investigative feline reporters.  This is impossible, and you have to stop to do the dry, wet and then dry paper towel routine on the black cat that is now smeared with white primer.  Let me just say now that this is not very successful, but you need to try or else be reconciled to living in an entire house smeared with primer.
Once wall priming and cat de-priming is done, it is already time for bed, and you are not even done doing the baseboard trim.  Clean up what you can, wrap brushes and roller in plastic wrap, and hide everything from cats.  Sleep fitfully.
Day two, trying to paint the damn hallway:
If you remembered to vacuum before starting these shenanigans, you can go ahead and try to paint the baseboard without getting giant furballs into the mix.  If you forgot…stop everything, peel back the plastic drop cloth, and vacuum along the baseboards.  Be prepared to valiantly struggle in the universally agonizing fight between hungry, hungry vacuum and flimsy, suicidal plastic drop cloth.
Attempt once again to prime baseboards and get most of primer on the wall and not the rug.  Get wet paper towels ready, because you will fail. 
Walls are primed.  Hallelujah.  Then it’s time to paint. 
Follow the same process as the priming pretty much, except this time, white cat is smeared with teal paint.  Get liberal amount of teal on self, carpet, ladder and some on the walls.
Go back and test your nerves by painting the trim and window ledge with a gloss version of the teal paint, knowing that leaping cats will be digging little claw marks out of said teal paint within minutes of it drying.  Reconcile self to always having ugly windowsills.
I’m exhausted having just typed up this explanation, and that is only the saga of ONE hallway. I haven’t even gone into hanging the curtains and the wall sconces yet.  That’s because I haven’t gotten that far yet.  I need to brace myself for the shenanigans to come with those projects.  At this rate, the house will be done just in time to start painting again.
 
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