A man in Michigan’s metropolitan Detroit area was charged in a district court Wednesday on two misdemeanor counts after he was unknowingly caught on camera allegedly pleasuring himself with an Elmo doll during a home inspection.

This was certainly a violation of trust and completely inappropriate but the most shocking thing to me is nobody has asked Elmo what he thought about this whole thing. I was able to sit down with Elmo and he was kind enough to share his thoughts on this experience. These are his words transcribed by me.

I am sitting on the floor minding my own business. I am excited because we are getting ready to move to a new house. I’m not gonna lie, things in Detroit are nothing like Sesame Street. I mean sure we have colorful characters on Sesame Street but in Detroit the characters that have the most colorful outfits are pimps not puppets. Still my family has sheltered me from that life until now.

So as I was saying, I’m sitting on the floor and this old guy comes in. I don’t know him but Mommy said they were having someone over to look at the house. Next thing I know he locks eyes with me. I am use to children locking eyes with me. I mean I’m a toy and that’s the gig. But adults? Then he puts his hand up my butt. I’m a puppet so it comes with the territory. You can do some exercises to loosen things up. You get use to it but this was different. I’m the type of toy that is for above the belt play only. It’s in my contract. I’m not one of those filthy Avenue Q puppets. But not this time. I’m not face to face; I’m head to head but this head only has one eye and no mouth and it is purple. I’d never seen a purple head on a person before. On Sesame street you see purple heads on puppets but again this was different.

So I say hello to this weird head but he doesn’t respond. I just figure he’s shy but he was not shy. Next thing I know I’m rubbing against him. I’m screaming but nobody is coming to help. Then this head is rubbing against me faster and faster. And it smells terrible. It smells like a Snuffy fart. I don’t know how Big Bird can stand it. Maybe stink doesn’t get that high. Anyway this head is rubbing against me faster and faster and the hand in my butt won’t let me pull away. This is a complete violation of people to puppet protocol. I’m thinking this can’t get any worse. I trick myself into thinking maybe this head has a really bad itch and he wanted a friend to scratch it. Still being asked would have been nice. So I’m just closing my eyes going to my happy place. My happy place is Sesame Street. I miss that place. Next thing I know I hear an animalistic grunt and then I am covered in white cream. I thought maybe by new friend was sharing frosting with me. I love frosting. Frosting does not smell like a swimming pool. Frosting is not salty. I don’t know what this was but it does not come easily out of fur. I just feel dirty.

Now Mommy’s child isn’t allowed to play with me. The other toys call me Elm Ho. I did nothing wrong but I am being treated like trash. In fact, I heard Mommy say I can’t come to the new house when they move. I’m going to run away. If I am going to be some ordinary tug and rub toy I may as well do it on the streets of Detroit where I can make a little money. I’ll save some money and maybe move back to the outskirts of Sesame Street. Maybe even Oscar will share his trash can with me. 

I just want to make clear, puppets are not for deviant pleasure. A lot of craftsmanship goes into making us. If you want something for that type of activity get yourself a sock. Everyone knows socks are whores and they love that stuff. In closing, fuck that guy who got my fur sticky. We are not friends and you had no right. I know I’m not the only puppet who has gone through this. Puppets across the world need to speak up and put and end to this. This is our Me Too movement!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *