I CAN HANDLE IT AND LEAVE ME ALONE – By Joe Currie (Davin’s Den)

Being the grouch I am, I’m getting less patient with the things around me especially people that I have to deal with that are non essential. 

Let’s start with full serve gas, sounds good, but not so much. If I go to a self serve station I can get in and get out in less than five minutes. If I go to a full serve station I will wait that same amount of time for someone who just got in from some third world country to come out of the booth and serve me.

This person speaks no English and I have to tell him fifty two times “twenty regular cash”, and they repeat, cash, cash, cash, NO DRACHMAS YOU CAMEL RIDING ASSHOLE.

Then they want you to pull up,, pull up, pull up, you don’t mind if the car in front pulls away first, unless you want me to drive over them and crush them while you fill me up with regular.

Now I tell them before hand I want a receipt, now I have to hear receipt? Receipt? Yes stupid receipt, it’s the piece of paper that tells you how much the shit costs, maybe if  you weren’t talking  to one of your sleeper cell pals on the phone maybe you’d be paying attention.

Could you imagine if you did your job while helping customers while talking with your friend on the cell phone, they would fire your ass.

And when you pay them they never ever say thank you or have a good day, they just grunt and walk away.

These people are rude and nasty and perform a non essential job.

In my hometown on Long Island, and in Jersey its full serve, and these people act like they are doing me a favor. Throw them all out into the street and send them back to where ever the hell they came from.

Another non essential job that should be eliminated is Valet parking, I just drove twenty miles to get here and I think I can handle the next twenty feet, to add insult to injury I have to make sure I have singles ready to tip somebody for something that I could, and wanted to do by myself.

The next thing that I loathe when you go to a wedding or club is the Bathroom Valet. I don’t want or should have to tip someone to hand me a paper towel. The only time I would want a bathroom valet is if I had a bad case of the farts and I needed him to swat the stink fumes away, or if he sent me words of encouragement from outside the stall as I tried to pass a Buick through my colon.

Restaurants, catering halls, and clubs think they are fancy with their parking and bathroom valets, they are not, they are a major nuisance and should be eliminated.

We now move on to something that should be stopped and that’s Supermarket cashiers asking you if you would like to give a dollar to a charity.  No I don’t, and I just gave all my singles to car jockeys and shit house attendants and I have no more.  

If you want to collect for a charity, do it as they always have, get a bucket with a kid in a wheel chair or a dog in a Cage and let me make the choice myself and not give me some guilt complex about it if I pass.

The over eager waiter has got to go too, I was at a wedding and the waiter or in this case the vulture in a tuxedo would take my food or drink when I wasn’t finished with it yet. He also had the habit of grabbing my napkin and refolding it every two seconds. Back off mother fucker I am getting separated over shit like this.

It got to the point with this guy where I am guarding and protecting my sliver of cake, my Jack and Coke and the damned napkin like a bear guards her cubs.

Look don’t get me wrong service people work very hard, as a matter of fact as a Comic and Musician I know a lot of them, in fact on some of my close friends are bartenders and restaurant managers, but in regards to the instances I gave above, enough is enough.

You may disagree on all or some of what I said, but next time you are at a gas station, wedding or a supermarket tell me if I am wrong. 

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