I Don’t Like Strip Clubs – Davin

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I don’t like strip clubs.  Is that weird?  I always feel uncomfortable and awkward.  It just seems so openly lechy and desperate and I would rather keep that aspect of my personality a bit more under wraps.  You are just sitting there gawking at an “object” as it moves around.  Kind of like watching fish in a fish tank except at the strip club I need to pay eight dollars for a beer.

Now don’t get me wrong it is not that I am against objectifying women.  I am not that noble.  I am not in favor of objectifying women either but I figure they are adults and they can make that decision for themselves.  Men have the same option to strip so it is equal opportunity.

I usually like the music in strip clubs.  In fact my friend Scott and I actually befriended a stripper at a strip club because we commented that we liked the Kiss tune she was stripping to.  Turns out she had the same musical taste as us.  We would actually go to the strip club and watch the Yankee games, listen to the music and talk to Ashton in between dances.  I don’t think I ever got a lap dance from her.  I think that would have made it weird which is really weird when you consider we were in a strip club and that was her job.  She actually bought me and Scott a VIP membership to the club.  We went to a Kiss concert and bought a shirt for her.  It was from the reunion tour so it was a sweet shirt.  I even talked to her a couple of times on the phone.  At one point I knew her real name.  Sadly we fell out of touch and we never gave Ashton the shirt.

I remember in college we almost got kicked out of a very seedy strip club because our fraternity brother Carlos was blowing his cigarette smoke into her privates.  I know it is crazy…smoking in a bar in NY but these were crazy times. Apparently strippers do not like you to smoke their fish so we needed to strongly advise Carlos to stop.

My favorite strip club memory was in South Carolina when I was with two comedian friends, the Disgruntled Clown and Rich.  The Clown was walking all over the place strutting like a peacock in his Clown outfit.  He was a bit of a local celebrity.  That was surreal in its’ own right.  Rich was very depressed and having relationship problems.  He was sitting by the stage and a stripper was doing her thing.  At the end of the performance it is good form to give the lady at least a dollar.  That is why you don’t sit by the stage if you don’t want to spend money on the strippers.  At the end of her dance Rich did not give money.  Instead he applauded.  The stripper then responded by making a “retard face” and giving Rich “the Retard Clap.” When a stripper in South Carolinais mocking you, you know you are having a bad day.  Another time in South Carolina I was with the Clown again and we went to the strip club with James who was suppose to have good Christian values.  He stared at the strippers like a serial killer.  He was mezmorised. We had to get him out of there as he was the headliner for the week and the shows would have been ruined if they found stripper carcass in his trunk.

We went to a strip club where the girls strip to bikinis for my bachelor party.  First of all what is the point? Get naked or wear a parka none of this in between crap.  Second they were just focused on the money.  Yes, I know, they are strippers but at least create the illusion that I am not a desperate guy and you are not only doing this for the money.  Give me the fantasy that I should come back and see you because you really like me.

I think I have had one or two lap dances but I don’t think I ever paid for one.  Again, I feel awkward.  She is grinding on me and I have all these social issues in my head.  Is it rude if I get a boner?  Is it rude if I don’t get a boner?  If I get a boner am I suppose to cum?  If I do cum will she be pissed because now her work area is sticky?  If I don’t cum will she be upset because she feels she is not doing a good job?  All this is going on in my head while outwardly I am just babbling with inane chatter with such gems as do you have any pets?  How is school? How long have you been stripping?  All of this instead of just enjoying the grind.

This is why if I am going to pay for over priced drinks and gawk at attractive women dancing I do what any respectable letch does and be the creepy guy at the dance club.  It works better that way.  The girls know they are not talking to me.  I know they are not talking to me.  Neither one of us needs to fake awkward conversation.  Now if I can just get a regular girl to give Rich the “Retard Clap” it will be the best of both worlds.

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