It was a beautiful day about a month and a half ago, I was running on time for the start of the show and it was a nice ride.
As I pass a cop on the side of the road he tells me to pull over. When you get pulled over by a cop besides the anxiety you usually have a general idea of why you were pulled over, in this instance I had absolutely no idea of why I was.
The officer told me I did not stop for the stop sign and I defied the law of the town. I told the officer it was a T intersection and to not stop would defy the law of physics.
The cop was cordial enough and I was polite and told him I disagreed and we would have to go to traffic court.
I also had a witness to this, the lovely Pip Helix who drove past on the way to the show and looked to see who the asshole was getting the ticket.
The last thing the officer told me if I felt the ticket was issued in error I can take it to court that’s why we have courts.
Maybe when it comes to other courts, but when it comes to traffic court it’s not about the law, it is about fleecing as much money out of you by scaring you with a big fine or the possibility of points on your license.
I was raised by a legal secretary and played a lawyer on the radio. I knew how my Mom would prepare the facts for a situation like this, plus I stopped for the sign and I was going to prove my case and win.
Here’s the deal as you come to the intersection, you come to a stop sign, and then you have to proceed twenty six feet to a T intersection and then turn onto the road.
I stopped for the sign; I stopped at the corner and proceeded with the cop making his assessment a quarter mile away. I took photos I made notes, measured twenty six feet from the stop sign to the intersection, and prepared my case. I was going to win, let justice prevail, and stand for the rights of the people.
It’s fun to pretend.
First I get the town hall and have to go through the metal detector forgetting my jacket that I have worn for the first time in five months has more change, paperclips, and other assorted metal detector setting off shit that made the thing go off like a slot machine in Vegas. After holding up the line for five minutes, emptying all my stuff into three containers and feeling like the bass player in Spinal Tap( see the movie if you don’t get it) I was finally let through.
I then walk into the court room which is jammed packed mostly with orthodox Jews. I didn’t know if I was in court or in Fiddler on the roof.
The first step was to see the DA who was this thin lanky looking douchbag who then made me an offer to plea the ticket.
Now, I was ticketed by the cop for not stopping at a stop sign. The DA tells me he will make it J-walking no points and a $150 fine with no surcharge. This is justice???
First of all this is in the country, the only thing that could ever J-walk would be a deer in heat, $150 ? I wouldn’t pay that at gun point; oh and thank you for no Surcharge at least you are going to kiss me after you screw me.
I told him he has got to do better on the fine, he tells me to take it or leave and tell it to the Judge. I now have to sit for every case before I can go up, and by the way this is just not traffic court, this is every bullshit case we can dream up court.
The first case is a case of a delinquent dog so much so the owners have two lawyers with them. Who is this mutt Cujo? Pump this tail wagging menace full of some nice blue fluid and send his ass up to that big kennel in the sky.
Next up are some teenage kids that can’t drive, part of their plea deal is they have to write a composition on their driving infraction and how they will be a better driver.
The Judge not only berates them on their driving, but their spelling and grammatical errors as well, like stupid Davin berates me on the show.
Thank god I didn’t have to write anything I would have gotten twenty years.
So they finally call me and they tell me they will charge me with J-walking and $150.00 fine. I tell the judge my side of the story and go to show her my photos and she freaks out like I just showed her some cock pictures are something.
“This is not a trial” she blurts out to me, (really lady it’s more like a tribunal) I am then told that if want to set up a trial date I would have to come back at another time which would then cost me more time and money. So I decided to tell them I could only pay $75.00 which works like a charm in Nassau County
Here is the deal, the traffic courts upstate, down state where ever are garbage and are no better than the scammers we deal with every week. They know that the stop sign is not set up correctly and they have a cop sitting there to nail you.
They also know people don’t want points on their licenses and will pay almost anything to not get them assessed, they also know that people can’t take any more time away from work than they have to..
A failure to stop and they bump it to J-walking, that’s extortion and they are disrespecting the law more than any traffic infraction.