There I said it.  I do not like having to try and be funny in 140 characters or less.  It was damn hard to come up with a 45 minute comedy routine to entertain a bunch of strangers.  Now if I want people to see me be funny for 45 minutes I need to lure them in with something humorous in 140 characters.  Would you really want to see my act if it was comprised of stuff on twitter?  If it was truly funny it would be in the act.  Shouldn’t I be writing for my act or my radio show right now? 

I do not like the fact that I now know what a hash tag is.  It sounds like something you would label your drugs with.  It was always the tic tac toe board on my telephone that served no purpose.  Kind of like the appendix of the phone.  I mean sure it was there and it was cool to have but you could function perfectly well without it.  It still serves no purpose on the phone.  Even on Twitter it adds no content.  It just is something you put on a subject so maybe it will trend.  Twitter is too lazy to read my 140 characters and see if I have something trend worthy without it. Worst of all because of this Hash Tag that notifies you of the importance of the trending subject matter that I tweet about I am down to 139 characters. 

@…this should just be a facy a.  Why do I have to be at @DavinComedy?  I am @home.  You can see me @comedyclubs.  You can hear me @DavinsDen but now every body is @something.  You can’t even watch the news without the anchors giving their twitter accounts.  Why do I need to know what @AlRoker is thinking in tweet form?  The guy told the world he crapped his pants on tv.  How much more do I need to know about @AlRoker?   

It is not fair to professional athletes.  They always had a person provided by their team standing next to them as they gave interviews.  The teams can’t provide that person to every member of the team 24/7 around the clock.  The team can’t provide this person to prevent the NY Knick from sending out a twit pic of the enormously fat ass he is about to tap.  How can we expect our professional athletes to resist the urge of saying something homophobic, bigoted or masogonistic?  We can’t.  140 characters is more than enough for these wonders of bad judgement to do things that will tarnish their image.  I like my athletes to have their bigotry, racism, homophobia, sexual conquests on the down low.  Unless they will include all those things in the team year book.  Then I would buy the yearbook.  Mark Sanchez QB of the new York Jets lists incompleting passes, dating teens amongst his hobbies and secretly hates Jews.  That would be a great read.

Twitter is too powerful a device for our politicians.  If they have a penis and they have a phone that takes pictures of course they are going to take a picture of their penis.  Of course they are going to twit pic it.  That is what you do with a picture of a penis.  If a penis was not for show you would never take a picture of it.  Now some might say don’t blame twitter, blame the penis.  Men have had penises forever or at least the 1850s  and for the most part they and their significant other and perhaps a sexy slave were the only ones to see the penis.  Now with twitter everybody can see it.  Penises are not just for function.  They are for show but unfortunately not everybody wants to see their local congressman’s dong so bad things happen.

Followers.  I need followers.  Now I have to be a cult leader.  At least if I I had a cult I could make rules and my followers would listen.  I mean sure we would all die in the end but isn’t that better than the pain of the unfollow?  Does anything hurt more than the unfollow?  Why don’t you love me any more?  Did I not send enough twit pix of my penis?  Come back, please come back.  I will put a hash tag on my penis so that my penis will trend and you will see as the numbers of my follows go up that I am worthy of your following me.

Retweet.  Now I need to not only be funny but I need to be funny enough for you to hit a retweet button so I can get more followers.  I am begging you to steal my funniness.  This is the opposite of what every comic is taught.  I thought my joke on the sequester that I tied into the Oscars & the Afghanistan was brilliant.  I did it in 138 character 2.  Yet U did not retweet it.  Why are you judging me?  Why do I give you the power to judge each joke?  I mean I make a career of being funny.  It use to be a laugh and applause was good enough but really how can that compare to a retweet?  I hope all of my audiences never laugh and just retweet my jokes.  I want to look down and just see a bunch of people feverishly typing away on their smartphone during me set.  I mean I already see that but it should be filled with retweets of my act.  Hey lady don’t take a twit pic of my penis and send it.  I didn’t know my fly was down.  It was my penis to twit pic and send.  You have no right!!!  Well the damage is done.  Maybe @DavinsPenis will get more followers than @DavinComedy.  Maybe my penis will get me twitter famous.

Alright enough of this wasting time writing in long form.  I need to post this and then alert my twitter followers that this is online on something old fashioned called a website.  Remember everybody please follow me on twitter @DavinComedy #Desperate4YourLove

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