As many people that listen to our show know I am in the middle of a major life change as I am now separated from my wife of nineteen years, part of our Separation agreement is that “our” house has to be on the market by June 1st. I use “OUR” very loosely as it was my parents, I grew up there, I renovated it before I was married, I have paid most of the bills ,and it has been the center of my blood sweat and tears since I inherited it in 1992 after my Mom died.
To my former significant other who claims that the house is also hers, it has been a place to come home and watch TV, watch me work on it, or watch me to try to figure out how the bills are going to get paid that month.” If you listen carefully you can hear God laugh”
She did not lift one finger to help while I was renovating it when we were engaged, or do much work around it when we were married, and has not helped much to get it ready now. In all three instances I thought she would. “If you listen carefully you can hear God laugh”.
I have been working on the house by myself for the past month and one of the projects is water proofing the basement. I have been painting with water proof paint, rubber sealant paint, hydronic cement. And finally after three days of toil the basement was dry as a bone and it stayed that way for three weeks until I saw the puddles. They were small, but for the work I put into it they mine of well have been the size of Lake Michigan. “If you listen carefully you can hear God laugh”
I have vertical blinds in my kitchen that never worked right from the beginning. I asked the guy that put them up to fix them and he said he no longer does that as he is writing plays, I suggested a title for his new one, “Death of a Blind Salesman “. I was in the fence business for years and if anybody needs anything repaired or fixed I never told them “I am a comic now”; I would go and fix it. Anyway I tried to fix the blinds and I got so frustrated I ripped them down and while I did it they slammed into my head and I now have a gash on the side of my head, and being bald I look like former Russian president Mikhail Gorbachev now with a scar that is not going away. “If you listen carefully you can hear God laugh”.
Late on a Sunday afternoon I am renovating my bathroom and I need to get some caulk in the color of bone to complete the job. The home improvement stores are open for another hour so I have to move. Bone has always been a popular color or so I thought. Home Depot #1 none, Lowes none, Home Depot #2 none. !!!!!! Dammit all!!!!!!!!
As a Hail Mary play I go into Walmart, and as I walk in the lines are great Census long. I said I hate lines and as I hate lines I know that Walmart will have them and I will have no choice but to wait on the fucking line, and yup there they are plain as day and in stock Enough Bone caulk to seal the Lincoln Tunnel ten times over.
I now go to stand on the line with my bone caulk and the line is now ten times longer. Have you ever had to stand on line in a Walmart? It’s like the border crossing at Tijuana. And as I am standing there I wanted to yell quiet in Spanish, Why?? Because “If you listen carefully you can hear God laugh”.
I believe in God and believe it is a just and caring being, but I know if you asked what the thing that gives them the most joy is? Sunsets, mountains, Great oceans etc. They would tell you watching Joe Currie try to get ahead as I laugh my ass off.