No, No, You’re Doing It Wrong – By Pip Helix (Davin’s Den)

You’re straight, single and looking for love.  Well, I mean for longer than a couple of hours.  I understand your plight, and I’m here to tell you that it would be a lot easier to accomplish, if only you weren’t doing it wrong. 

First, to you ladies:  Stop saying you want to find a nice guy, and then swooning over the “bad boy”.  That bit of teenage rebellion, going for the guy who is going to completely mortify your parents, has got to stop by the time you are 17.  By then, you should have realized that those “bad boys” with their motorcycles, legal problems and dependency issues, are not glamorous, they are just disaffected assholes who are going to get you knocked up and leave you behind with nothing but some misspelled tattoos and a social disease.  It might have felt so cool to be throwing up the finger at the establishment and your folks, up until you need food stamps for formula and you have to ask your parents to watch your baby while you get your GED.  Maybe that Walk on the Wild Side wasn’t such a good idea after all, huh?  Some women are so addicted to the drama, they can’t see how stupid they are being.  Just go out with the nice guy already!  Sheesh!

Now, for the guys:  Why do you insist on fixating on the girls that are about 10 social points above your level?  The blonde popular girl that every guy wants is not going to suddenly notice that you are alive.  If you ask her out, she is going to turn you down. Don’t think that making some big romantic gesture is going to win her over.  She doesn’t know you, and singing at her window, or posting some kind of overwrought love poems to her on Twitter, are going to come across as super-creepo stalkery shit.  How about taking the obvious shortcut and take a look at yourself in the mirror, realize that you are pretty average compared to your Barbie glamazon  dream girl, and come back down to earth.  Every damn romantic comedy about the guy overreaching for the Glamazon who finally gets kicked in the crotch by her enough times that he wises up, takes a good look at the slightly plainer but eminently kinder and more likable girl he already hang out with, and asks her out.  Hallelujah!  That boy finally gets it.  How about you cut to the chase and just go out with your geeky brunette girl friend already?

Hey you “nice guys”:  Yeah, there are a bunch of guys running around lamenting that girls say they want a nice guy, but then they, the nice guy, is always getting turned down by all of those lying bitches.  Yeaaaaah.  See, maybe you used to be a nice guy.  Then, you kept trying to date the girls that are obviously out of your league.  They are so out of your league that everyone can see it but you, and you embarrass yourself by continuing on the same wrong road.  You never get the memo that these girls are not going to be interested in you, ever, so you keep getting rejected.  And then you get bitter.  You are sure that every girl is a stuck up bitch who lies about what she really wants, and you are always striking out.  You become so bitter, that when an actual nice girl comes along, you no longer know how to treat her nicely.  You are just on guard, waiting for the slightest (probably imagined) slight, and then you will rant like a lunatic about how awful all women are.  See, now you aren’t a good guy anymore.  You are kind of a douchebag.  Why didn’t you just wise up and go for a girl in your league in the first place, for crying out loud?  Don’t any of you nice guys have a mirror and one friend who tells you the truth?

Girls who will never be supermodels:  Stop pretending that appearances shouldn’t count.  No, they should not be the sole criterion on which people are judged.  However, pretending that only shallow people pay attention to physical looks is just being foolish.  If you want to find love, you are going to have to realize that physical attraction is part of the equation.  Do what you can to play up your best features, stand up straight, and get out of those damn sweat pants.  Get your snaggle tooth fixed, have someone professionally wax your brows, whatever you can do to put your best self forward. Whatever you do, stop thinking that if it’s meant to be, the Universe will send your soul mate, gift wrapped, to your bedroom while you sit there watching romantic comedies and eating your feelings.  Leonardo DiCaprio does not secretly yearn for you, too.   You have to make an effort to find a REAL guy worth having, so get going.

I’m not just talking to the ladies on this point, either.  Guys, guys, for the love of god, if you want to have an actual girl in your life, stop hanging out in your parents’ basement playing video games in your Dorito dust encrusted flannel shirt.  Clean yourself up, stop drooling over comic book heroines in leotards and breast plates, and go out into the world and find an actual girl.  She might not be exactly like the girl in the comic book, but seriously, that comic book is NEVER going to blow you.  If you play your cards right, and are nice to one of the girls at Comic Con or the shy girl at work who actually talks to you, you might break out of fantasy land and really have a flesh and blood girlfriend.  Just remember to actually be nice to her, and if the first one says no, move on and keep trying.

The most important point of all is to aim to be the best version of yourself possible, be realistic when setting your romantic goals, and be nice and respectful to other people.  Eventually, once you start doing it right, you will find Mr. or Mrs. Right.  Now get off the internet and get cracking!

With love, from a now happily married woman who will never be a supermodel.

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