Israeli scientists have worked up some sciency way to extend the lives of mice by 23%…as if anyone besides Walt Disney was hoping for this innovation. For the love of all things holy, don’t send these super mice to Australia. They have enough trouble with their rabbits and gigantic beasts that are all intent on killing us. Either mice will ravage the continent, or the giant murdery animals will sup on mice to their hearts’ content, and become long living murder machines.

But the problem extends beyond the super mice themselves, because the scientists think that they can use their new sciency sorcery on humans. Oh lovely. A world of super elderly Frankenstein’s monsters awaits. Longer lines at the drug store. More wizened fists being shaken in the air when that damn deli clerk doesn’t slice thin enough. Viagra shortages.

Oh sure, they wiggle the carrot of maybe the Super humans will be more resistant to cancer. Maybe if they’d work on getting all of the corn syrup out of every drop of food we eat, including water, we’d be less likely to get cancer anyway. And don’t think I didn’t notice that the scientists say that men would live longer than women. That’s some sexist bullshit right there. Even older wrinkly, rich white men trolling for nubile, corn-fed teenagers. Gross.

No, Israeli mice scientists, you keep your voodoo away from me. It’s all just a government plot to make us pay taxes longer, and I’m not having it.

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