THE BEACH
Living on long island is an expensive crowded place. One of the perks of paying some of the highest property taxes in the country is that we have some of the most beautiful beaches in the country.
I love the beach, so much so that when I die I want to come back as a seagull so I can eat garbage, fly and look at hot chicks all day.
But for now as a human I have to drive which is not fun, to get to one of our beaches you have to leave your house by eight thirty in the morning to get there by ten o’clock.
Once you get on the sand you have to pick your spot. This is a tough selection as you don’t want to be near a load of dopey kids sitting next to a play pen listening to Sponge Bob tunes, but not too isolated that you are too far away from the hot college chicks.
Make sure you stay away from the Hispanic families as they don’t go to the beach they move there. When Hispanic people go to the beach they bring a monster tent, fifty kids, thirty cousins, and a car to work on out on the sand.
You can call me a racist but when you are sitting there blocked by a tent listening to El Mega being blasted out of a boom box next to a Buick up on blocks you will know what I mean.
The next thing that gripes me are the assholes with the football, you have the whole damn beach to throw the damn thing why over my head. My one day off and I have to feel like I am on the fifty yard line at the Special Olympics.
Up next is the fat lady in a bikini, look if you resemble the Hindenburg with a tarp stretched over it stay home and stop mortifying us.
I have noticed that a lot of girls have Tattoos some cool, some not. The ones that intrigue me are the ones with the four paragraphs. Look I want to look at your ass not catch up on my summer reading.
The one thing that you must bring is the most ugly beach umbrella you can find. I have come out of the water delirious from being slammed around by the waves with salt water in my eyes, and four yards of sand up my ass and now I can’t find my blanket. The worst feeling is being lost trying finding your blanket and all the people around you know you’re lost and look at you like a dick and laugh because you are four feet away from it. A dog ass ugly umbrella will remedy this unless there are four thousand people there with the same bad taste as you.
Next up is the guy with the guitar, hey Jimmy Page leave it home, I work hard all week and the last thing I want to hear is a half assed version of Pearl Jam’s Jeremy.
Last but not least are the jerkoffs who have to throw the Frisbee in the water, stop it I am in an ocean not a concert parking lot. If I ever wished for a School of sharks, a tsunami, and a rip tide it would be now.
With all that being said there is never a bad day at the beach.
Have a happy and safe summer.