THE THIRTY-EIGHT PERCENT

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In a recent survey thirty-eight percent of Americans revealed they would not drink Corona Beer due to the Corona Virus. Make no mistake, as you know, the alcoholic beverage has nothing to do with the pathogen that is on a world tour garnering press and fear at every stop. If you did not know that or you do not believe that I need you to immediately find a very large ledge and continue to stare intently at your screen and keep walking. I need you to walk until you feel like there is nothing under your feet. Good. Now you should immediately feel a rush like you are falling. You may stop reading now.

For the rest of you…are you shitting me?!? Thirty-eight percent is a lot of morons who are walking among us. They can drive. They can use a steak knife. They can vote. They should not be allowed to do any of those things. I completely understand if you do not know exactly what the Coronavirus is. It seems like at times our government is confused. However, I do not understand how you think one brand of beer can be the cause of a killer virus.

Now don’t get me wrong, beer can lead to terrible things. Getting really fat. Drinking and driving. Peeing in your pants.  Sleeping with ugly people.  All terrible side effects of too much beer and yes even Corona beer but none of that is a deadly virus.

The Corona virus is a serious threat to us. One that should be taken seriously. I will also contend that unbelievably stupid people we encounter in our society are a severe threat to us. Best case scenario to our mental health. Worst case scenario to our lives. One stupid fork lift operator and you can be a human shish ka bob.

We can’t just kill people because they are unbelievably stupid. However, maybe it is time to stop the lineage of the clinically stupid. Coronavirus kills two percent of those infected. That is a lot but not enough to accomplish our goals. And like I said, we can’t kill people but we must stop the lineage. My suggestion is we take all the sperm and eggs of the 38 percent and pickle them in Corona beer. Have you heard of whiskey dick? This will be Corona Cock and Corona Coochie.  The thirty-eight percent can still get it on but the procreating DNA will be so drunk that there is no way they will find each other.  Thus we will gradually reduce the stupid in this country and move to a more productive and prosperous society. Problem solved. You’re welcome.

Now if you’ll excuse me I am going to infect myself with a Corona beer and I’ll tell you right now, Cinco de Mayo is going to be a bloodbath.

See you Tuesday on Davin’s Den where we will discuss this and more!

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