UNHAPPY HALLOWEEN

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Well, the way this year has been going, why shouldn’t we talk about Halloween being cancelled?  A Halloween that falls on a Saturday, no less.  The specter of Halloween being pre-empted doesn’t spook everyone, but surely parents of young children, chocophiles and ghouls everywhere are haunted by the idea.

Ok, enough with the Halloween puns – this is serious business. Cities such as Los Angeles were planning on completely shutting down all Halloween events, but reversed themselves and said that they didn’t recommend that people participated.  It makes sense that people were on the fence about what should happen to a tradition of going door to door during a pandemic.  Most of the main attractions that would draw crowds have been closed this year.  So, the CDC issued a list of precautions that should be taken in order to have a safer Halloween, things that should and shouldn’t be done.

One of the things that they suggest people avoid is going to crowded indoor parties.  That is a major bummer for Mr. Helix and I, because we were married on Halloween, and hoped to celebrate our 10th anniversary with a party this year.  I suppose no one would complain about an 11th anniversary party, as long as there is enough food and booze.  The CDC said this year, avoid alcohol so you don’t get wasted and forget about safety precautions and indulge in risky behavior.  Well that’s usually the fun part, right?  Just don’t do it this year, or risk spending Thanksgiving in the ICU.

Another thing the CDC frowns on is door to door trick or treating.  Damn it, now this isn’t fair.  On the years that Mr. Helix and I don’t leave the house to celebrate our anniversary, we are scaring the crap out of the kids by jumping out at them as they come up the walkway to get candy.  Yes, we are THOSE people.  I once made a little girl dressed up as an angel cry when the “haggard old witch” hissed at her from the bushes.  Good thing her Dad had a sense of humor, or I could have been a dead witch.  So, if we can’t go anywhere, and we can’t scare the crap out of trick or treaters, what the hell do we do all night?

One thing they suggest is putting the treats into gift bags and have them by the street, so the kids don’t need to get too close to the house – no germy kids spreading things to germy candy givers.  How many people are going to be on board and do this?  I love getting the little candy and treats together in bags, but I’m over-enthusiastic about this one holiday.  No one else is really going to want to do that.  May as well trunk or treat if you are leaving it by the street – park your car in front of the house with your trunk open.

Also, I’m not thrilled with the idea of putting them out by the street because one thing is for sure – the honor method of candy giving doesn’t work with kids.  There are surely some kids who are trustworthy enough to take one and leave the rest alone…but there are enough greedy little kids, teenagers, or sociopathic adults that would take everything for themselves without a second thought.   I watched my neighbor’s “honor basket” get jacked by these two teenagers one year.  I could tell that one had the idea, and the other just went along, but both of them got a whole lot of verbal abuse about it as they passed by.  I loathe people who break the honor code on candy handouts.  Go on and commit other crimes, but take one candy bar and leave the rest for other kids, you filthy animals, or you will be condemned to a special circle in Hell for all eternity, where everything you desire is snatched away from you just before you get close to it.  Sucks to be you, candy hoarder.

One of the CDC recommendations was that people should avoid activities like haunted attractions where there might be a lot of screaming – sending torrents of Covidified droplets into the air and mucus membraney openings of the humans around them.  Come on now, you don’t have to be at a horror show to be prone to screaming this year.  I think that it’s far more likely that people will be screaming continuously.  I therefore declare this particular Halloween guideline redundant.

It was also suggested that no one should trade the cloth masks we are wearing every day (if you have the sense God gave you) for some plastic mask.  The plastic won’t help keep the Covid in or out, so either find someway to make a cloth mask Halloweeny, or you will really be a ghost for next Halloween.

Let’s face it.  This year sucks, the CDC’s suggestions suck, and Halloween is probably going to suck this year.  Just do some socially distant pumpkin carving, wipe down whatever candy you manage to get, or go buy the candy you like and gorge on that instead of whatever crap your neighbors hand out.  You know those people with the fake flowers in the window box are only giving away that crappy taffy stuff again anyway.

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