After the game in which the Seahawks beat the 49ers in part because Richard Sherman made a great play he had much to say. First he got into the grill of the receiver he was covering all day and talked some smack. For that he got a “bitch not now” hand smush to the face. Then he had his opportunity to talk in a post game interview for all of the world to hear on national television. Did he thank God? No. Did he thank his Mama? No. He talked smack against the player just bested. He talked loudly. He talked intensely. An overnight sensation was born. His play made a statement. His mouth moved a nation. Mr. Sherman you educated me. Heck I think we can all learn from you. There are many that just do but do not speak in every day life and nobody talks about them. Well we all deserve a bit of recognition for doing our job well now don’t we? I will try to pass on the gospel of Richard Sherman.
As a comedian sometimes I get heckled. I am supposed to get the best of the heckler because I am a pro. I usually do but do I become a viral sensation for that? No. My new tactic will be different. First I will do my job and get the better of the heckler. Then I will get all up in his grill and be like, “Yeah that’s what happens when you talk trash to the best comic in this club. The bouncers didn’t shut your mouth. Your girl giving you dirty looks didn’t shut your mouth. A room full of people telling you to shut up didn’t shut your mouth. I did. I shut your mouth for you didn’t I? You are just a sorry ass heckler.” Then I will drop the mic, grab my junk, and coolly walk off stage. After that I will quickly get into my car and drive away because the club will probably be pissed I handled it that way and the heckler might kick my ass but I will have made a moment you will all talk about.
Teachers can do it to. Say you have student that just does not get long division. They will not listen to your instructions. Well enough is enough. You just need to get all Richard Sherman on them. First you get in their face. You are probably much taller than them at this point. You grab their Super Man Thermos and slam it down. You want to get attention. Then you be like, “I am the best at long division in this whole damn class room. I am even better than little Mei King over there the brainiac. I am so good at long division they even gave me the answers in the back of the book. You need to recognize my brilliance and sit your ass down. You don’t even have the good sense to copy off your neighbor so you could at least get a C. You stupid.” Then grab your car keys and keep driving because the principal will probably not understand that you were just presenting another teachable moment. That being said I guarantee you will be the talk of the teacher’s lounge.
Maybe you are a defense attorney and you just won a big case against the state that most figured you had no shot at winning. Well it is time to talk. First you stand on the plaintiff’s table so you are towering over them. Then empty the contents of your suitcase all over the opposing attorney’s head. Then begin. “That’s right, I’m making it rain with evidence bitch. Look at all these briefs. I’m the best attorney in the court room. Shit my man killed three people while high on meth but your sorry ass couldn’t prove shit. Next time the State brings a case they better have an attorney that didn’t get his law degree from
. I run all this shit. Hell, the judge sucks on my gavel.” Then jump off the table and run from the police because they will want to throw you in jail for contempt of court. But who cares, you are going to be all over TV for your rant and it is worth it. Phoenix University
Maybe you are a Catholic Priest and you just completed a successful exorcism. Well that is certainly cause to celebrate. First you make sure you give yourself a firm vertical base and then look down to the depths of hell and let er rip. “I just beat yo ass. Punk Beelzebub talking trash since forever. I’m the dark overload, I want your soul. Blah, blah, blah. What you got to say now? I just beat yo ass with water, two sticks tied together, and a book I picked up at the Best Western. I own your ass Devil. I’m the best priest in this church. Next time you come at one of my flock you are going to need more than split pea soup. At least breathe fire or make me watch Keeping Up with Kardashians or listen to Justin Bieber talk about the artistic process. Something tortuous but you ain’t got the juice Lucifer. You just a punk.” After that you really don’t need to worry because you just kicked the Devil’s ass and God will probably be pretty cool with that. You will be big. Not Richard Sherman big because he beat Crabtree and you only beat the Devil but still pretty big.
Now I must go but first…”I write the best blogs on this site. Please Helix with your cat stories and Currie with your moments of introspection and self evaluation and spelling errors. My keyboard is the mightiest. It’s my name on the top of this site. Sorry ass mofo’s. Blog Spot I’m coming for you!”